We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
