I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
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Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
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Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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