Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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