I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
