Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
