sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
