those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
