Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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