I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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