I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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