dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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