i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
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I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
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Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
my liver is dry heaving
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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