There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
