i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Someone came in the potted fern
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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