i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
