U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.