Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"