omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
