I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
