i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
