You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
