Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
