Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
nutella sex= disaster
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
