The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
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I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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