those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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