I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Randomize
