I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
50% drunk capacity currently
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
