last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
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Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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