I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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