My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
