Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
