32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
