My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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