that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
