So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
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I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
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I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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