Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
