Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
