I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
