Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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