I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
