Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
