after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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