You just made me feel so damn special
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
