cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
