I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
