But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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