I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
