Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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