i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
