Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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