Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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