I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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