dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
