I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
