Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
