I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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