I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
