Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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