No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
